October 2011

Work Hard and be Rewarded

Hello everyone, welcome to mid October!

News from Shirley:

Now I have settled into my lovely new office at Mooloolaba Collaborative Centre it’s time to thank Kathryn Hodges for her invitation to join the team of professionals who are occupying Kathryn’s suite of rooms. Many thanks to Kathryn, Miranda, Carmel, Kristy and Janelle who have made me very welcome. Thankyou!

I feel as though this year has been a major fork in the road leading me in a new and very positive direction. Many of you know that I took a huge risk early this year when Steve and I travelled overseas for 14 weeks, wondering if I could rebuild my counselling practice on our return. It seems the risk has paid off because the practice is back on track thanks mostly to word of mouth referrals. From the bottom of my heart I thank each of you who have supported me.

Many of you may not realise how difficult it has been to sustain my practice over the past 5 years since the Governement awarded a medicare rebate to Psychologists and Social Workers, at the expense of counsellors. This has been such a two fold tragedy as many qualified and gifted counsellors were lost to clients, and the majority of counsellors lost their practices when the usual source of referrals stopped. No amount of lobbying by our Professional Counselling bodies has convinced the Government to change their stance. I am so grateful that I need only to work part-time otherwise I would have joined the ranks who closed their doors. I feel very blessed. Hence how concerned I was about trying to re-establish the business after my holiday.

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It’s very difficult to be a parent isn’t it? We raise the kids, they develop independence which we praise them for and tell ourselves how good we are that we taught them this, but then they go and leave home, or even more shocking they move to another country to live! Yes I am talking about me and mine. Given this is what I wanted for our children one would think I’d be very happy for them and proud that I had helped get them there, but no, woe is me. Every time I have to say goodbye, because one is leaving the country to live elsewhere or going to work in another state, I get this overwhelming sadness within me. I have noticed it is age related. It’s like I feel my life is running out so time with them is more precious than it was before. The sadness comes when that time is taken from me because they have moved away. There is no satisfying answer to this dilemma – what is, is. So, I ring and email them more often and check up on their lives via face book. I invest my time more in the remaining family still living here. This is as good as it gets but sometimes it is just not enough. I so understand now the sadness I observed from time to time in my own parents as they grew older.

This leads me to this month’s scenario. The dilemma I find so often in the counsellor’s chair is that ‘life’ gets in the way of young couples trying to work their individual roles; partnering the partner, parenting the children, and looking after their individual needs. We do a good job as parents teaching the child independence but how do they cope then when they grow up and choose to share their life with someone else? What happens to personal independence then?

Alice and Graham were two such people. Both were raised to follow their dreams. Prior to meeting each had secured fulfilling jobs, travelled during holidays, developed a nucleus of friends and participated in fulfilling hobbies. Alice and Graham met through friends, developed a wonderful relationship and finally decided to spend their lives together. All went well until the children were born. Of course the children were not to blame for what followed. What happened was Alice and Graham’s inability to ‘adapt’ to the different life that having children brought with it. No-one had told them that they would become time poor and tired, that they would see less of each other and their friends, participate less in their personal activities and that each might have to forgo a part of them self to fulfil the needs of the children and the relationship.

Alice and Graham came to counselling when the relationship was all but over. Both were so busy ‘living and doing’ their life that they had lost sight of how to ‘do’ the relationship. Their mistake early on was to assume that their relationship was so strong that it would then take care of itself. They thought no matter how difficult and demanding life became theirs was the relationship that would survive, no matter what. How wrong could they have been and how many of us have thought the very same thing?

My initial job was to sort through the emotional grievances each had developed over their perceptions of who was right and who was wrong, what was fair and what was not and who was to blame for the situation in which they found themselves. I managed to have each of them agree that responsibility for whether the relationship worked, or not, had been up to both of them. I asked each individually were they ‘committed to making the relationship work’ and both agreed, rather than the possibility of regret in years to come had they not tried.

With regular counselling, both together and individually, and lots of relationship homework Graham and Alice were rewarded. Their relationship flourished and reached a new level of confidence, trust and respect. Together we worked on their individual belief system in the areas of spirituality, intellect, physicality and feelings. When huge differences appeared we attempted to ‘marry’ the differences, or when this was not possible each agreed to disagree. In other words each had to be prepared to let their opinion go, for the sake of the relationship.

Graham and Alice’s experience was a success story and everyone benefited. The children saw that relationships are hard work rather than a ‘bed of roses’ and ‘happy ever after’ and they saw that, like life, relationships cannot be taken for granted but must be worked at. They also learned that it is possible to retain individuality within the sphere of the family relationship.

Wishing you healthy well-being “and a bright and beautiful summer”!

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Shirley C.