November/December 2011

Hello again everyone.

I look back on the highs and lows of the year and Steve and I have been blessed with a very good one. We began 2011 with all our children back here in Australia, on the Sunshine Coast, which is a rare treat! In March we began our four month holiday in Europe having to cut it short to three months because of a touch of homesickness and my knee, which required surgery on our return. I then rebulit my business in new premises in Mooloolaba, which has worked well for me. Fortunately Steve’s business survived the three months thanks to his team of loyal workers. In August we said good bye to Christian who left to work in London and Mark, our dancer, who was performing overseas for the balance of the year. Lots of tears from mum experiencing the grief of goodbye. On the bright side of that we still have Simon, Jennifer, Michael and Amie here on the Coast with Michael and Amie surprising us recently with the news that we are to be Grandparents for the very first time, in May 2012! What beautiful news with which to end the year! My regret and sadness, that is ever present, is the absence of our son Justin who was taken from us tragically in 1999. Our memories of Justin remain with us forever.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Are you enjoying this wonderful weather? I realise that many of us are heat sensitive but I was born in the central west of Queensland so enjoy the warmth far more than the cold of Winter. For me the early sunrise benefits early exercise, followed up by a quick swim at Mooloolaba and a lovely coffee before I return home to begin the work day. This habit suits me well as it stimulates my wellbeing, however the downside is that when it rains I prowl around at home like a caged lion! However a drop of rain would be very welcome right now.

I recognise how many of you would love to be free to do as I do each morning but are bound by young children who cannot be left alone; you too will have this freedom when the children are old enough to look out for themselves, or have left the nest. Believe it or not our children become independent very quickly yet while we are in the thick of raising them we think they are going to be around and dependent on us forever! I am very grateful that my children grew up in the years when it was acceptable, and financially possible, to move out from home at a younger age as opposed to now when parents are parenting for a longer time because their children are living at home longer.

I do hope my oldest children don’t read this because they say that I joyfully kicked them out to fend for themselves at the tender young age of 17 but the fact is they had to move to Brisbane to go to Uni. Secretly though, perhaps I was a little bit glad to see them go, although I remember distinctly going through the grieving process for quite some time. However, their leaving freed me up to explore a new and exciting life for myself, and I really relished this. Conversely they had to learn to make mature decsions at a younger age because I was not around to be relied on, or to help.

Many of my clients are women in their early 50’s who are struggling to find a meaningful life while they are fulfilling their role as homemaker. They identify so much with their roles as mother, wife and daughter, that they feel they have lost their way in the world, lost their true essence, that of ‘woman’. They crave time to explore what the world really means to them. They cannot see a future where they will be living only for themself and they wonder if they will ever be able to adjust to being ‘allowed’ to think only about themself.

On the other hand I see male clients who tell me a similar story. Men often feel tied down and supressed by their ongoing role as provider. Many tire of the same old, day by day, routine. It is extremely difficult for a man to give up the position they know best to venture down a new path when the family relies on that income. Many men would have spent years learning a trade or attending a tertiarty institution, followed by working their way up to a comfortable salary, so to change jobs could involve less salary. How will the family manage if he gives up his usual role and how can he find time for himself when he works such a long, tiring day and will he be seen as selfish if he changes his job or takes that alone time?

Both men and women are faced with ‘identity’ issues and most are time poor.

Couples often feel guilty if they take time for themselves because they feel they are letting their partner and family down. One such couple are Trudy and John.

Trudy works part-time in her massage business while John is a landscape gardener. They have three children, ages 11, 13 and 17. Trudy always wanted her own business so she could set her hours around the needs of the family as well as fulfilling her desire to have an outside interest. Both Trudy and John discussed the purchase of the business and agreed that Trudy would have more freedom and flexibility than she would working for someone else. All went well initially however Trudy found she was busier than ever with two staff members which generated more clients which meant more hours in administration. Trudy not only worked in the business but on it and eventually was working a 40 hour week.

John was away from home early in the morning, finishing work late in the day then spending time in the gym on his way home three nights per week. He also attended Toastmasters fortnightly. Initially Trudy encouraged John to continue his outside pursuits but over time she felt weighed down by her work and home commitments. She felt it was not fair to the kids if she too pursued her own hobbies in her time off, so she said nothing to John and continued denying herself time to relax. John was oblivious to the mounting storm. John helped out as much as possible around the house but being so tired he often went to bed early leaving Trudy to finish off alone.

Eventually Trudy said something to John about how she was feeling, but by then Trudy had become very resentful and frustrated and when John said he could not see any issue because Trudy had never complained before, Trudy exploded.

John and Trudy came to counselling. The process was a long one because old ingrained habits, perceptions and expectations had to be changed. Both John and Trudy had relied upon each other for all the wrong reasons – because it was their perceived role, because that’s how their parents had done it, because society dictated this and because they had never discussed these perceptions and expectations, re their parenting roles, pror to having children.

Eventually, because John and Trudy cherished their relationship and each other, and maintained the common long term goal of being together forever, they survived. We worked out a routine that allowed for time alone, both separately and together, and time together as a family. John and Trudy were happy to enlist babysitters if their separate schedules interfered with alone or together time. John and Trudy loved the new, more open way they were thinking, feeling and behaving within the relationship and the family unit. Their self worth and self respect grew and floursihed and fed into the family unit as a whole.

It’s never too late to be a Trudy and John.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

I hope you enjoy the following video clip.

A dream you dream alone is only a dream.
A dream you dream together is reality.

JOHN LENNON

IF YOU HAVE FIVE MINS TO DREAM HIS DREAM – FOLLLOW THIS LINK AND BLISS OUT
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qp9dc9im3

This is my last newsletter of the year. Both Steve and I wish to thank each and every one of you for your support of me and my practice and your never ending belief in yourselves that

“You can do it!”

Wishing you healthy well-being and a safe, joyful and relaxing Christmas and New Year!

Shirley C.