Peter Shepherd

I look back on the highs and lows of the year and Steve and I have been blessed with a very good one.  We began 2011 with all our children back here in Australia, on the Sunshine Coast, which is a rare treat!    In March we began our four month holiday in Europe having to cut it short to three months because of a touch of homesickness and my knee, which required surgery on our return.  I then rebulit my business in new premises in Mooloolaba, which has worked well for me.  Fortunately Steve’s business survived the three months  thanks to his team of loyal workers.  In August we said good bye to Christian who left to work in London and Mark, our dancer, who was performing overseas for the balance of the year.  Lots of tears from mum experiencing the grief of goodbye.  On the bright side of that we still have Simon, Jennifer, Michael and Amie here on the Coast with Michael and Amie surprising us recently with the news that we are to be Grandparents for the very first time, in May 2012!  What beautiful news with which to end the year!  My regret and sadness, that is ever present, is the absence of our son Justin who was taken from us tragically in 1999.  Our memories of Justin remain with us forever.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….  

Are you enjoying this wonderful weather?  I realise that  many of us are heat sensitive but I was born in the central west of Queensland so enjoy the warmth far more than the cold of Winter.  For me the early sunrise benefits early exercise, followed up by a quick swim at Mooloolaba and a lovely coffee before I return home to begin the work day.  This habit suits me well as it stimulates my wellbeing, however the downside is that when it rains I prowl around at home like a caged lion!  However a drop of rain would be very welcome  right now.

I recognise how many of you would love to be free to do as I do each morning but are bound by young  children who cannot be left alone;  you too will have this freedom when the children are old enough to look out for themselves, or have left the nest.  Believe it or not our children become independent very quickly yet while we are in the thick of raising them we think they are going to be around and dependent on us forever!  I am very grateful that my children grew up in the years when it was acceptable, and financially possible, to move out from home at a younger age as opposed to now when parents are parenting for a longer time because their children are living at home longer.  

I do hope my oldest children don’t read this because they say that I joyfully kicked them out to fend for themselves  at the tender young age of 17 but the fact is they had to move to Brisbane to go to Uni.  Secretly though, perhaps I was a little bit glad to see them go, although I remember distinctly going through the grieving process for quite some time.  However, their leaving  freed me up to explore a new and exciting life for myself, and I really relished this.  Conversely they had to learn to make mature decsions at a younger age because I was not around to be relied on, or to help.          

Many of my clients are women in their early 50’s who are struggling to find a meaningful life while they are fulfilling their role as homemaker.  They identify so much with their roles as mother, wife and daughter, that they feel they have lost their way in the world, lost their true essence, that of ‘woman’.  They crave time to explore what the world really means to them.  They cannot see a future where they will be living only for themself and they wonder if they will ever be able to adjust to being ‘allowed’ to think only about themself.

On the other hand I see male clients who tell me a similar story.  Men often feel tied down and supressed by their ongoing role as provider.  Many tire of the same old, day by day, routine.  It is extremely difficult for a man to give up the position they know best to venture down a new path when the family relies on that income.  Many men would have spent years learning a trade or attending a tertiarty institution, followed by working their way up to a comfortable salary, so to change jobs could involve less salary.  How will the family manage if he gives up his usual role and how can he find time for himself when he works such a long, tiring day and will he be seen as selfish if he changes his job or takes that alone time?

Both men and women are faced with ‘identity’ issues and most are time poor.

Couples often feel guilty if they take time for themselves because they feel they are letting their partner and family down.  One such couple are Trudy and John.

Trudy works part-time in her massage business while John is a landscape gardener.  They have three children, ages 11, 13 and 17.  Trudy always wanted her own business so she could set her hours around the needs of the family as well as fulfilling her desire to have an outside interest.  Both Trudy and John discussed the purchase of the business and agreed that Trudy would have more freedom and flexibility than she would working for someone else.  All went well initially however Trudy found she was busier than ever with two staff members which generated more clients which meant more hours in administration.  Trudy not only worked in the business but on it and eventually was working a 40 hour week.

John was away from home early in the morning, finishing work late in the day then spending time in the gym on his way home three nights per week.  He also attended Toastmasters fortnightly.  Initially Trudy encouraged John to continue his outside pursuits but over time she felt weighed down by her work and home commitments.  She felt it was not fair to the kids if she too pursued her own hobbies in her time off, so she said nothing to John and continued denying herself time to relax.  John was oblivious to the mounting storm.  John helped out as much as possible around the house but being so tired he often went to bed early leaving Trudy to finish off alone. 

Eventually Trudy said something to John about how she was feeling, but by then Trudy had become very resentful and frustrated and when John said he could not see any issue because Trudy had never complained before, Trudy exploded.  

John and Trudy came to counselling.  The process was a long one because old ingrained habits, perceptions and expectations had to be changed.  Both John and Trudy had relied upon each other for all the wrong reasons – because it was their perceived role, because that’s how their parents had done it, because society dictated this and because they had never discussed these perceptions and expectations, re their parenting roles, pror to having children.  

Eventually, because John and Trudy cherished their relationship and each other, and maintained the common long term goal of being together forever, they survived.  We worked out a routine that allowed for time alone, both separately and together, and time together as a family.  John and Trudy were happy to enlist babysitters if their separate schedules interfered with alone or together time.  John and Trudy loved the new, more open way they were thinking, feeling and behaving within the relationship and the family unit.  Their self worth and self respect grew and floursihed and fed into the family unit as a whole.

It’s never too late to be a Trudy and John.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

I hope you enjoy the following video clip.

A dream you dream alone is only a dream.
A dream you dream together is reality.

JOHN LENNON

IF YOU HAVE FIVE MINS TO DREAM HIS DREAM – FOLLLOW THIS LINK AND BLISS OUT
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qp9dc9im3

This is my last newsletter of the year.  Both Steve and I wish to thank each and every one of you for your support of me and my practice and your never ending belief in yourselves that

“You can do it!”

Wishing you healthy well-being and a safe, joyful and relaxing Christmas and New Year!

Shirley C.

Hello everyone, welcome to mid October!

News from Shirley:

Now I have settled into my lovely new office at Mooloolaba Collaborative Centre it’s time to thank Kathryn Hodges for her invitation to join the team of professionals who are occupying Kathryn’s suite of rooms. Many thanks to Kathryn, Miranda, Carmel, Kristy and Janelle who have made me very welcome. Thankyou!

I feel as though this year has been a major fork in the road leading me in a new and very positive direction. Many of you know that I took a huge risk early this year when Steve and I travelled overseas for 14 weeks, wondering if I could rebuild my counselling practice on our return. It seems the risk has paid off because the practice is back on track thanks mostly to word of mouth referrals. From the bottom of my heart I thank each of you who have supported me.

Many of you may not realise how difficult it has been to sustain my practice over the past 5 years since the Governement awarded a medicare rebate to Psychologists and Social Workers, at the expense of counsellors. This has been such a two fold tragedy as many qualified and gifted counsellors were lost to clients, and the majority of counsellors lost their practices when the usual source of referrals stopped. No amount of lobbying by our Professional Counselling bodies has convinced the Government to change their stance. I am so grateful that I need only to work part-time otherwise I would have joined the ranks who closed their doors. I feel very blessed. Hence how concerned I was about trying to re-establish the business after my holiday.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

It’s very difficult to be a parent isn’t it? We raise the kids, they develop independence which we praise them for and tell ourselves how good we are that we taught them this, but then they go and leave home, or even more shocking they move to another country to live! Yes I am talking about me and mine. Given this is what I wanted for our children one would think I’d be very happy for them and proud that I had helped get them there, but no, woe is me. Every time I have to say goodbye, because one is leaving the country to live elsewhere or going to work in another state, I get this overwhelming sadness within me. I have noticed it is age related. It’s like I feel my life is running out so time with them is more precious than it was before. The sadness comes when that time is taken from me because they have moved away. There is no satisfying answer to this dilemma – what is, is. So, I ring and email them more often and check up on their lives via face book. I invest my time more in the remaining family still living here. This is as good as it gets but sometimes it is just not enough. I so understand now the sadness I observed from time to time in my own parents as they grew older.

This leads me to this month’s scenario. The dilemma I find so often in the counsellor’s chair is that ‘life’ gets in the way of young couples trying to work their individual roles; partnering the partner, parenting the children, and looking after their individual needs. We do a good job as parents teaching the child independence but how do they cope then when they grow up and choose to share their life with someone else? What happens to personal independence then?

Alice and Graham were two such people. Both were raised to follow their dreams. Prior to meeting each had secured fulfilling jobs, travelled during holidays, developed a nucleus of friends and participated in fulfilling hobbies. Alice and Graham met through friends, developed a wonderful relationship and finally decided to spend their lives together. All went well until the children were born. Of course the children were not to blame for what followed. What happened was Alice and Graham’s inability to ‘adapt’ to the different life that having children brought with it. No-one had told them that they would become time poor and tired, that they would see less of each other and their friends, participate less in their personal activities and that each might have to forgo a part of them self to fulfil the needs of the children and the relationship.

Alice and Graham came to counselling when the relationship was all but over. Both were so busy ‘living and doing’ their life that they had lost sight of how to ‘do’ the relationship. Their mistake early on was to assume that their relationship was so strong that it would then take care of itself. They thought no matter how difficult and demanding life became theirs was the relationship that would survive, no matter what. How wrong could they have been and how many of us have thought the very same thing?

My initial job was to sort through the emotional grievances each had developed over their perceptions of who was right and who was wrong, what was fair and what was not and who was to blame for the situation in which they found themselves. I managed to have each of them agree that responsibility for whether the relationship worked, or not, had been up to both of them. I asked each individually were they ‘committed to making the relationship work’ and both agreed, rather than the possibility of regret in years to come had they not tried.

With regular counselling, both together and individually, and lots of relationship homework Graham and Alice were rewarded. Their relationship flourished and reached a new level of confidence, trust and respect. Together we worked on their individual belief system in the areas of spirituality, intellect, physicality and feelings. When huge differences appeared we attempted to ‘marry’ the differences, or when this was not possible each agreed to disagree. In other words each had to be prepared to let their opinion go, for the sake of the relationship.

Graham and Alice’s experience was a success story and everyone benefited. The children saw that relationships are hard work rather than a ‘bed of roses’ and ‘happy ever after’ and they saw that, like life, relationships cannot be taken for granted but must be worked at. They also learned that it is possible to retain individuality within the sphere of the family relationship.

Wishing you healthy well-being “and a bright and beautiful summer”!

Please contact me if you wish to be removed from this email newsletter list.

Shirley C.

Since my wonderful holiday I am feeling very refreshed and enthusiastic about the future so, in line with that I am making changes within my business. I have been happily working from Life Bridge in Maroochydore thanks to the kindness of my colleague Lyn Baird. However, come September I am moving to a room in Mooloolaba within a Collaborative Care setting where my intuition tells me I have to be.

Mooloolaba Collaborative Care is the idea of the Principal of Rimmer Lawyers, Kathryn Hodges. Kathryn approached me with her concept of connecting a group of ‘helping’ professionals through the letting of rooms within her premises. Each business will maintain it’s separate identity by working independently from one another. Moving here will mean I can be more flexible with the days and hours I work, which is new for me as I have always had to share a room with other practitioners. My husband also loves the idea because he won’t be tripping over my office furniture which is currently in the hallway, lounge and 3rd bedroom of our unit! I love the position of my new room, Corner Smith and Muraban Streets, directly adjacent to the Brisbane Road Carpark behind the collection of boutiques and coffee shops on the Esplanade, Mooloolaba.

Another level of change will occur within the actual counselling session where I intend to incorporate strategies to target the complete wellness of the client. It is fair to say that I currently do this but I see so much value for the client that I will seek to further expand on this idea. I will work [w]holistically with the client by looking at all areas of their health – physical, emotional, mental and spiritual. The data I have gathered over the past few years shows that client’s are looking for a ‘whole’ health identity for them self, their partner and their family. It makes sense to me to work holistically with the client because when we are healthy [in all these areas] we are better equipped to deal with relationships and life in general.

I will be ‘selling’ myself as a Relationship Specialist and Health Mentor. Fortunately I have qualifications in Holistic Health gained from the Australian College of Natural Medicine. For more information on this avenue of health please contact me with your questions.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

This month’s scenario:

Denise’s husband Antony worked a huge week and seemed never to be at home. Denise missed his company, his attention, his help and his interaction with the children. She did not know if she had the right to mention her unhappiness to him when he worked so hard for them. What’s more Antony seemed not to mind and appeared very contented with his life.

Denise and Kayleen met when working on tuckshop together and became good friends. Kayleen’s company made up for the lack of Antony’s. Kayleen was available to Denise because she was widowed and gradually they spent more time together. Kayleen became the partner Denise wanted. Everyone was happy.

Over time, Kayleen and Denise and the children grew to be a family. Antony, their friends and acquaintances fondly called them the ‘married couple’. Eventually though, Antony grew concerned as Denise was away from home many nights and weekends. He too had become lonely and felt isolated from his children so he spoke to Denise about this. When Antony asked Denise to spend more time at home Denise was shocked when she discovered she did not want to be home at all. However, Denise was married to Antony and felt she owed this to him and their family.

So, Antony and Denise sought counselling. The counsellor asked both were they committed to making the relationship work. Antony said ‘yes’, Denise said she ‘did not know but would try’. Gradually, and with mutual agreement, Denise and Kayleen spent less time together. Over the coming months, and with guidance from the counsellor, Denise tried hard to fulfill her role as wife and Antony spent more time at home with Denise and the children. Eventually Denise’s health began failing, she lost motivation, felt lethargic, could not sleep, cried a lot and her general placidness was replaced with angry outbursts. The counsellor gently pressed Denise to address her feelings about what was happening until Denise admitted she was pining for Kayleen and no longer loved Antony. In fact Denise said she loved Kayleen and wanted Kayleen as her lifetime partner. Although Kayleen had kindly and caringly kept her distance, when approached by Denise, she also spoke of her desire to commit to a relationship with Denise.

Naturally Antony was devastated but he chose to let Denise go because he could see how ill she had become and wanted her to be happy. With the counsellor’s guidance Antony, Kayleen and Denise, individually explored the unusual situation in which they they found themselves. They looked at how they could make the transition into their new roles easier for each other and for the children. They joined together when confronted with judgmental and biased opinion from family, friends and the community.

Eventually Kayleen and Denise, with collective strength, established their position as a couple within the community. Acceptance came slowly from their inner circle of relatives and friends. Antony lived separately but shared family responsibility in all ways. Antony and Denise’s children, and Kayleen’s, slowly adapted and admitted feeling ‘special’ to be loved by all three parents.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

Quote –unknown author.

A man found a cocoon of an emperor moth. He took it home so that he could watch the moth come out of the cocoon. On the day a small opening appeared, he sat and watched the moth for several hours as the moth struggled to force the body through that little hole.

The moth seemed to be stuck and appeared to have stopped making progress. It seemed as if it had gotten as far as it could and it could go no farther. The man, in his kindness, decided to help the moth; so he took a pair of scissors and snipped off the remaining bit of the cocoon. The moth then emerged easily. But its body was swollen and small, its wings wrinkled and shriveled. The man continued to watch the moth because he expected that, at any moment, the wings would enlarge and expand to and able to support the body, which would contract in time. Neither happened! In fact, the little moth spent the rest of its life crawling around with a small, swollen body and shriveled wings. It never was able to fly.

The man in his kindness and haste did not understand that the struggle required for the moth to get through the tiny opening was necessary to force fluid from the body of the moth into its wings so that it would be ready for flight upon achieving its freedom from the cocoon. Freedom and flight would only come after the struggle. By depriving the moth of a struggle, he deprived the moth of health.

Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our life. If we were to go through our life without any obstacles, we would be crippled. We would not be as strong as what we could have been. Give every opportunity a chance, leave no room for regrets, and don’t forget the power in the struggle.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Following is an article written Dr Pauline Wallin “Too much web surfing impairs focus” that supports my belief that we need to look at our health holistically.

http://www.yourmindyourbody.org/too-much-web-surfing-impairs-focus/

Have you noticed lately, that it’s getting harder and harder to sit down and focus on reading a book for an hour, or even 15 minutes?

According to author Nicholas Carr, the Internet is to blame. In his book, The Shallows: What the Internet is Doing to Our Brains, Carr outlines research showing the impact of web surfing and multitasking on brain functions. He concludes that we have become so accustomed to the constant stream of information from online activities that our brains are actually getting rewired for distractibility.

We are processing more information than ever before. With a click of a button we can get the latest news and weather, shop for just about anything, read movie reviews, and engage in dozens of other information-gathering tasks – all within a few minutes.

But rarely do we stop and reflect on what we read online. Eye-tracking studies have shown that the average time spent on a web page is less than five seconds – enough to read 18 words at most.

In between web surfing, we check email, answer text messages, update our Face book page and respond to popup windows urging us to update our software. Our minds are constantly distracted. No wonder we have trouble focusing!

So what does all this mean for our brains? There is scientific evidence that the more you engage in a given behavioural pattern, the more the brain adapts to it. Thus, if you are used to switching from one task to another in rapid succession, your brain is going to make it easier and more efficient for you to do so – but at a price. That price is greater distractibility and less capacity for deep reflection and creativity.

Is this permanent? Fortunately, no. Your capacity for deep thinking is not lost; it’s just dormant. To get it back, it’s not necessary to unplug completely from the Internet. But you do need to plan ahead and exercise self-control.

HERE ARE SOME TIPS…

Take scheduled breaks from the Internet – Walk away from your computer and turn off data reception on your mobile device for at least 30 minutes. During your break do something that relaxes your mind, such as talking to a friend, exercising or listening to music – whatever helps you to decompress. There’s a whole world out there – and it’s in 3D!

Make time for nature. If you can’t get outside, water your plants or look through some photos of the outdoors. Studies have shown that doing so can improve your concentration and attentiveness afterward.

When doing work at your computer, close your email program and your browser. Removing distractions makes it easier to stick to your task.

Set a quota for online activities such as checking email or Face book. For example, limit such things to once per hour, or as a reward for completing a work-related task.

If you have trouble sticking to your promises to yourself, unplug your modem or get a program that locks you out of the Internet for a designated period of time.

I am feeling particularly blessed presently. This month I have moved my office to Mooloolaba Collaborative Care so Steve’s and my loungeroom and hallway are free of filing cabinets and office furniture for the first time since February when I moved out of Dr June Canavan’s surgery. Our unit has never looked so large and I had definately had enough of colliding with furniture in the middle of the night!

August and September are our son’s, Mark and Christian, birthday months. Having both returned recently from overseas it has been wonderful to have them home together to celebrate these birthdays. Mark is currently performing in Brisbane and the whole family turned out to attend his performance last week. More reason to feel blessed.

Families are so important, for many reasons, but in particular for overall individual well-being within that family unit. I know just how much better I feel when our children are around us. Laughter, fun and silly nonsense abound and when I go to bed at night it is with a sense of peace, love, pride and gratitude. My final blessing is that three of our children, Michael, Jennifer and Simon, and Michael’s partner Amy, live on the Coast permanently.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

Doris and Ben were such a couple as described above. They lived close to their loving family, having regular contact. The grandchildren came to visit often. Both were in their early 70’s and came for counselling when Ben became ‘sick at heart’. This is how Doris described Ben. She said he seemed to have lost his will to live, his physical health was good but he was sad, unmotivated and lethatgic. Normally a good communicator Ben found it difficult to impart to Doris what was going on. When I questioned Ben he could not find the words for how he felt.

Ben had retired 10 years prior and he and Doris had travelled extensively for several years after that. Now though they were happy to be at home playing golf, fishing, visiting friends and family with the occasional short trip away.

Nothing much had changed for the worse recently in their life so why was Ben so down?

Ben had no purpose or goal. Here was an energetic man who had plenty to live for in his early years – raising a family, striving at work, being a good provider and loving family man and finally retirment – his reward for hard work. His love of his children and grandchildren was not condional to anything now because they were not his to raise anymore, each standing on their own feet or in the case of the grandchildren, relying on their own parents.

Although Ben’s life was full and rich he still felt ‘down’. We discussed how Ben might find a new life purpose or goal and Ben came up with the ideas of Lifeline telephone counselling and volunteering. Within weeks Ben had enrolled in a telephone counselling course and was researching volunteering online. Ben suddenly developed an alertness that had not been present when he first came to counselling.

Finally Ben and I discussed ‘belief’. Ben was not interested in a specific religion but knew he could rely on himself in tight moments. Along these lines I introduced Ben to his own form of prayer and meditation – a Spiritual sense of whlolesome wellbeing where he knew he could rely on himself to fulfill his inner happiness and contentment rather than as in the past, when his ‘completeness’ had come from looking out for others and gaining self respect and self worth from that.

Doris and Ben both became telephone counsellors, sharing in the care of others outside the family unit. This was a first for them and they loved it. Ben went on to lean more about meditation, finally enrolling in different courses, opening a whole new world for him.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

Helpguide website

http://helpguide.org/mental/mental_emotional_health.htm

My last newsletter in February explained that Steve and I were taking an extended holiday.  It’s very hard to believe that four months have passed since we left for Europe.  Like most new experiences ours consisted of highs and lows, but fortunately the highs dominated.

Brief overview of our trip:

We hired a car from Paris and covered around 13000 kilometres in the 13 weeks we were away.  Of course the first couple of weeks driving on the other side of the road was nervewracking for Steve, myself and the other drivers, but Steve was amazing really and coped extremely well with the  huge volume of traffic, foreign road signs, angry and aggressive drivers, cyclists, motorbike riders and pedestrians.

Every country had it’s for and against but our favourite countries included Croatia, Portugal, Spain and Austria.  We visited so many cities and all had their personal appeal but the favourites included Barcelona, Lagos, San Sebastian, Rome, Amsterdam, Brugge, Berlin, Innsbruuck, Vienna, Carcasonne and Dubrovnik.  Without a doubt the two cities on the bottom of our list were Tivoli, [outside Rome], and Hamburg.  Both were untidy and dirty, although one could see that the local authorities were attempting to change this.

Wonderful experieces included the Plitvice Lakes of Croatia and a boat trip around the Adriatic Islands of North Dalmatia in Croatia; taking the cable car to the top of the Austrian Alps in Innsbruck; a tour of the WW1 battlefields in Ypres [Belgium]; the Eifel Tower in Paris; scenic tours along  the Amalfi Coast and the breathtaking Pyrenees Mountains and Rome which was absolutely fabulous. Both of us loved the underground metro systems, the major highways and the inexpensive accomodation, food, alcohol and sightseeing tours throughout Europe.

It was intersting though how our trip panned out.  Steve became homesick about 6 weeks into the trip for varying reasons that included a lack of ‘normal’ routine and difficulty with culture, language and food – particularly breakfast where he would have paid anything for a piece of toast!  I struggled with certain aspects too.  I found the huge crowds and traffic intrusive and exhausting and the cigarette smoke was appaling, although most countries are attempting to enforce anti-smoking laws in restaurants.  Both of us missed the comforts of home – family, friends, Oz food, TV with a beer/wine, and our own bed and pillow!  

After 8 weeks we discussed our options and both agreed to return home early, at the end of our 13 week European leg, forgoing 4 weeks in the UK.  Our decision was influenced by my extremely inflamed right knee which gradually worsened until I succumbed to a walking stick [what a sight!] and medical intervention, which led to a travel insurance claim that enabled me to fly home business class with my knee elevated. 

The overall result though, is that we felt very blessed to have had a fabulous 13 week holiday but are super glad to be home in Australia, the best country ever.  

Food for thought.  In retrospect I have no hesitation in admitting that age was relative to our homesickness and reduced physical ability so my advice to everyone is to travel when as young as possible or, if older, for a shorter time.

Now on to business.  Since our return I have undergone knee surgery from which I am recovering.  While recovering I am searching for a counselling room to rent on a daily basis, so if anyone knows of a room in central Maroochydore or a little further afield, please let me know.  I would really appreciate an email or a phone call if you can assist.  I will send out an email when I am fit enough to work and have secured an office. 

Wishing you healthy well-being “and a bright and beautiful Winter”

Shirley C.

You can download a copy of this newsletter here